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Author Topic: age differences.  (Read 7426 times)

Offline Cardali

age differences.
«: August 15, 2008, 03:25:00 PM»
okay so. this has been bothering me for quite a while now.

story time before i get to the issue. you can tl;dr this if you want but it's important to the issue.

sometime around last year, i got a boyfriend who was four years older than me. at the time, i was 14 years old, and he was 18 years old. i was on vacation staying with my father (my parents have been divorced since i was about 2) and he was okay with it. he met the guy, talked to him, and said i had the a-okay to date him. now, you must understand my father is a pretty laid-back parent. he has rules, but he's a firm believer that i should make mistakes and then learn from them - rather than suffocating me under his parenting and not letting me do anything at all.
anyways. i knew that my mother would not approve of this boy i was now dating, because of the 4-year age difference between us. so, when i told her about him, i said he was 16. eventually she found out his real age and threw a fit about how irresponsible i was being, etc, etc.
on the whole, i think she was being incredibly hypocrital. my biological father is 18 years older than  her (and she had a baby - me - with him), and my stepfather is a full 8 years older than her. so i felt she had no right to tell me the difference between the two of us was too great.

eventually, myself and this guy broke up, but the point that i was trying to make by telling that story was that i don't think age should matter. now, i'm not saying it's okay for a 16 year old to be dating a 40 year old (i do understand there IS a point where it becomes weird), but at the same time i feel that a difference such as 4 years shouldn't really play a big part of a descision to date someone. i'm not saying that it shouldn't play a role at all, but i am saying that it shouldn't be the deciding factor. maybe it seemed abnormal to some people, but i really didn't understand why. it's four years. that's not really that big of a difference when you consider that some people who get married have 10- and 20-year differences (case in point, my biological mother and father).

also, scientific studies have proven that girls mature faster than guys do, so if two people who like each other are on the same mental level and enjoy each others company, i don't see why they shouldn't be able to date. and anyways, i've noticed a lot of the time that older guys date younger girls.

tl;dr: how big of an age difference is too much in a relationship? should it be the deciding factor on whether or not you date someone?


Offline Eevee

age differences.
«Reply #1: August 15, 2008, 03:33:26 PM»
Love knows no boundaries, people do.

I say if you find someone you love and they return the love, go you.



Edit: Also this sounds like a repeat thread but I can't remember where o__o;

lofty

age differences.
«Reply #2: August 15, 2008, 03:55:29 PM»
Like what eevee said, I believe that too.

Because you never know, love.. it can click with someone much older or even much younger than yourself (meaning everyone). Even if it is around 4 or 6 or how many years older, it shouldn't make a difference. As long as you are mature about it and you are *sure* you love them, not to be confused with infatuation, then I don't see what is the difference between ages.

I just think it's silly to put a "limit" on love.

N'YEAH EVA. IT WAS FROM THE HEART. #SI don't be hatin'.

Offline Gamer

age differences.
«Reply #3: August 15, 2008, 05:13:31 PM»
For children, I actually believe in the age limit. I wouldn't want my 12-year-old dating someone graduating high school. There's a maturity difference, and younger people tend to be a bit more gullible because they're too blinded by "love". Plus, kids dating others within their age group don't have to worry about getting charged with molestation and pedophilia. I can understand three to four years at the most when it comes to high school, such as a 16-year-old with someone who's 19. The older you get the more you're able to handle age gaps.

Adults are adults, so they can date whoever the heck they feel like dating. But for kids I'd rather just play it safe and have them stay within their age group. Of course there are always a bunch of sour apples, and that age doesn't always matter. It's just for their safety.

Offline LSD

age differences.
«Reply #4: August 15, 2008, 09:00:41 PM»
depends on if you're just dating or just doin it.

doin it - that'd be too young to be fuck buddies imo.
alts in thread, quitting


Vince

age differences.
«Reply #5: August 15, 2008, 09:15:45 PM»
i don't see a problem with me dating a little girl..

Offline Cristina

age differences.
«Reply #6: August 15, 2008, 09:40:27 PM»
Quote from: "Eevee"

Edit: Also this sounds like a repeat thread but I can't remember where o__o;


It definitely was. I remember reading the other one, haha

Offline Tillandsia

age differences.
«Reply #7: August 15, 2008, 09:43:23 PM»
Four years isn't a big different when you're let's say, 21 and 25, or 30 and 34...

but at fourteen and eighteen? That is a huge difference. No way in hell am I going to let my kids date an 18 year old when they are 14. Or the other way around.

Fourteen year olds are practically still in puberty while eighteen year olds should be getting ready for college.... Sorry, that is wrong. And rather disgusting.

EDIT: Also you need think of why exactly some 18 year old can't date people around their own age and they need to go for much younger kids, who are usually blindly admiring of them just because they are older.

I bet everyone here who thinks it is okay for a 14 year old and 18 year old to be dating is younger than 18.

Offline Slymenstra

age differences.
«Reply #8: August 15, 2008, 10:06:11 PM»
Love is love. No matter what age, ethnic group, or gender. ):

Offline Hugo

age differences.
«Reply #9: August 15, 2008, 10:24:44 PM»
People have been getting creepier by the year. While there will always be exceptions, you're a moron if you think you can fall in love with anyone.

Stay in your age range; most of you aren't smart enough to realize when someone's using you.

_________________

Offline Vera!

age differences.
«Reply #10: August 16, 2008, 12:26:08 AM»
In my humble opinion

Love is blind. It knows no age, race or gender.

If the love is there, it really shouldn't be met with hostility based on whatever the hell social taboos society puts upon it.

Love should be free~

Sookan

age differences.
«Reply #11: August 16, 2008, 06:54:50 AM»
Quote from: "Taylor"
i don't see a problem with me dating a little girl..


me neither..

Offline Militant

age differences.
«Reply #12: August 16, 2008, 11:25:38 AM»
I don't think there's really a problem with it... but you have to ask yourself this question, why would an 18 year old man want to date a 14 year old girl? There is a bit of a maturity difference there and I ain't really sure if it's 'normal' to not want to date people your own age or a few years younger, unless there's a reason (such as can't get laid, but really wants to-- willing to sacrifice the well being of a young girl). I'm sixteen, and I'd rather not date a twelve year old. It just don't seem right to me. They're still a child.

"Love is blind" yeah probably once you're old enough to be "in love"... 14 doesn't cut it for me.
"Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more, you should never wish to do less." -Robert E. Lee

Mollie

age differences.
«Reply #13: August 16, 2008, 01:31:16 PM»
I think that if you go by laws in different countries and such, and even then it's a little odd. But. I think that if you are 16 or older it's safe to date someone more than 3 years older than you, however I wouldn't go more than 5.  Over 20 years, I wouldnt go over 10.
Thats just my opinion.
I see alot of couples with large age differences struggle in their marriages,

Digital Love

age differences.
«Reply #14: August 16, 2008, 03:08:07 PM»
Funny. When I was 14 I dated a guy who was 18, almost 19.

I've been emotionally scarred for life, to be honest. I have anxiety issues with intimacy because of misplaced advances from a horny 18 year old teenage boy wanting to get laid by an inexperienced, not ready 14 year old.

I made a big, big mistake by dating that guy. Now that I'm 20 and he's, what, 24/25..? It wouldn't matter shit because I've learned a lot and know what I want and don't want. But a 14 year old doesn't know what they want. A lot of my friends regret having lost their virginity at like.. 13 to 15, now going 20 and above. The reason is always the same; I didn't know what I wanted, I wasn't really ready, it wasn't with a special someone.

So on and so forth.

Kids are just that, kids. Adults are adults. Under 20, age differences matter greatly because most young teenagers are still innocent and easily exploited by a more experienced adult mind. Why do you think adults go to jail for having sexual intercourse with a minor, even if the minor agreed to it?

It's because adults should know better. Even if it's true love at 14 and 18, the 18 year old should be wise enough to know that even if they really love each other, they should wait. Both with sex and a relationship. Because an adult should know at 14, nothing is certain. Your future isn't, your romantic partner isn't, your choices aren't.

The teenage years are some of the most important during your life. They are important development stages and adults can influence those stages to damaging extents. A responsible adult should know that one mistake in a relationship can damage the other for life.

Yeah, love knows no boundaries. But your mental development does.

There's no such thing as true love at 14. There's so much more to true love than fawning over someone and tailing them like a little puppy, making empty promises for eternity and exchanging plastic rings and kisses. True love is about a lasting relationship with depth and understanding for each other.

If an 18 year old truly loved a 14 year old, they'd show responsibility and care for the 14 year old...

Bam

age differences.
«Reply #15: August 16, 2008, 03:18:15 PM»
Quote from: "Effira"
Four years isn't a big different when you're let's say, 21 and 25, or 30 and 34...

but at fourteen and eighteen? That is a huge difference. No way in hell am I going to let my kids date an 18 year old when they are 14. Or the other way around.

Fourteen year olds are practically still in puberty while eighteen year olds should be getting ready for college.... Sorry, that is wrong. And rather disgusting.

EDIT: Also you need think of why exactly some 18 year old can't date people around their own age and they need to go for much younger kids, who are usually blindly admiring of them just because they are older.

I bet everyone here who thinks it is okay for a 14 year old and 18 year old to be dating is younger than 18.


well said, and completely agreed.
to the op, think about this- would YOU date a 10 yr. old?
there's a reason it's frowned upon. you may think you're old and mature and all that at that age, but even at 16 or even earlier, you're really not.
and also, as was already brought up- why isn't that kid dating someone his own age that he has to date someone 4 years younger than him?
and the fact that your natural impulse was to lie tells me you also know it's wrong. think about it, seriously.

and for once, militant, i totally agree with you.

Offline Harlequin

age differences.
«Reply #16: August 16, 2008, 05:09:18 PM»
Age is simply a number. I'd be lying if I told everyone I never dated someone  over the age of 25. I was 16 at the time.

I'm 19, and I dated a 14 year old. The thing is, she was VERY mature for her age.

To me, though age is only a number, it really depends on how mature both people are. You know?
I also just kinda feel iffy if it were say... a 5 year old dating a 20 year old. From puberty up is fine with me.

That's my 2 cents on this subject.

Offline Cristina

age differences.
«Reply #17: August 16, 2008, 10:05:25 PM»
I can see why your mom would be upset with her 14 year old daughter dating an 18 year old boy. Your maturity levels might be the same, but think about it, what are most 18 year old boys looking for out of their younger girlfriends? Bottom line is, there are far too many horny boys just looking for sex. Not saying all, and not saying every relationship with this age difference ends up like this, but many times, it does. I happen to know a lot of really dumb 14 year old girls who would do anything for their older boyfriends, including having sex even when they are not ready. 14 is a rough age, and some girls are in that stage where they don't really know what they want, or can't see the danger in a situation like that.

Again, not saying this was the case with you and your boyfriend, just saying I can completely see where your mom is coming from.

When I was 14, I dated a 17 year old boy, and sorry to say, hes the only person I can say I truly hate. He emotionally wrecked me through his sexual pressuring, and though I never gave in and put an end to the relationship before it got to that, the emotional damage was already done. My self esteem was killed for about 3 years after that, and even to this day, I suffer from anxiety when it comes to sexual situations unless I feel completely comfortable.

I also don't think its fair at all to compare a. age difference between grown adults with age differences between teenagers. Completely different ballgame, as far as I'm concerned. My parents are 8 years apart, but they certainly didnt start dating when my mom was 14 and my Dad was 22.

So, I can understand your frustrations, because I know whats its like having a parent break up your relationship with your boyfriend (happened to me 4 times with the same guy), but your mom has a valid reason for concern.

Offline Skull

age differences.
«Reply #18: August 16, 2008, 11:07:29 PM»

why don't you have a seat.  right over there.

Bam

age differences.
«Reply #19: August 17, 2008, 05:42:59 PM»
cancer wins the thread.

but seriously- there's a reason it's illegal...

Offline Julie

age differences.
«Reply #20: August 17, 2008, 08:48:00 PM»
Quote from: "Eevee"
Edit: Also this sounds like a repeat thread but I can't remember where o__o;


yeah, i made a thread a long-ass time ago, but i dont think it's been touched for a while. if i come across it i'll bump it up so staff can lock it, and this one will continue?





anyways. ever since that last thread, my views have changed drastically, all thanks to my last relationship.

he was much older than i was, but i didnt care. i was young and carefree and blah blah blah, and hey, i tend to find older mature men sexy. still do. but ive learned my lesson, and the hard way, too. we disagreed on too many things. we had too little in common. we were friends, yeah, but not enough to be in a relationship.

if you find a great connection with someone 10-20 years older than you, even give or take some years, thats fantastic. but for me, i'll wait until those mature men i'm attracted to are more my age to start dating them.

nikky, i think what your mom meant, was that you're too young to start dating other people that are years older than you. when you do get older, yeah, the years dont matter, because 1, its not illegal, 2, chances are, you'll both have more in common, and the relationship will last longer, and 3, though this doesnt apply for all men, most of them that are interested in younger women, and are in the 18-20 year range, tend to only want one thing from them.

before you get into a relationship with someone older than you, i'd suggest talking to other people who have been in relationships with older people when they were your age, and talk about them about their experiences.

but it's not for me, and neither is online dating. but like said above, if you find a gr8 connection with someone older, great.

Offline Cardali

age differences.
«Reply #21: August 18, 2008, 03:23:51 PM»
i can understand where her concern would come from, and to everyone who said i was too young - age is just a number. age is something WE invented. now, again, i was 14 at the time. i've learned a LOT since then. again - i can understand WHERE her concern would come from, but a mother is a mother. a mother will worry about her child at almost every opportunity. and tbh, i think i'm pretty mature for my age. i don't really get along with kids who are my age, but i've always (and i stress this, ALWAYS) been able to relate more to people who are 4-5-6, even 10 years older than me. maybe i'm really fucking naive, or maybe i'm mature. i'm not sure, but i think i'm pretty mature.

to bam - you're right. i probably wouldn't date a 10 year old. but like i said, you see a lot of older guys dating other girls and not the other way around. i would however date a 13 year old, maybe even a 12 year old. again - to me age is only a number. but yes. you are right, i wouldn't date a 10 yr old.

to sadil - yes and no. i've been in love before, without sex. don't ever tell me that i haven't been in love, because i have. i DO agree with you that a large portion of the time it's horny teenagers. however, there ARE exceptions.

to hugo - you're absolutely right. the reason we broke up was because he was using me, and i hadn't realized it until the point i broke it off. young kids (like i was) probably won't realize it or are ignorant and refuse to (which is what i did).

anyways. i do realize it was probably very naive and stupid of me (hence the reason i broke it off). and yes, i do regret 98% of what happened with him. but it was also a learning experience and a mistake i won't make again lol. bah. i'm really tired, and i tore the ligaments on both sides of my ankle on saturday, otherwise i'd write out a more detailed response to everyone who responded. i'm sorry, but yeah.

sesruc

age differences.
«Reply #22: August 18, 2008, 05:13:31 PM»
yeah age is a number
and love is love

and uhm
when i was 14..
i was totally past puberty.
i had boobs a vagina. i wasn't growing anymore and was pretty damn mature.
i guess it varies between person to person though so you can't be absolutely sure.

likewise, it's your life.

Offline SLASHERS.

age differences.
«Reply #23: August 18, 2008, 05:32:55 PM»
i think both parties that agree that age is just a number, and the ones that think there is definately a limit, both bring up good points, but.. i have to agree with the "definately a limit" part. Mainly because of maturity, and because, as someone else said, at 14, you don't know what you want. when i was 14 i "dated" a guy over the internet who claimed to be 18. both very stupid choices, i know. and while we never actually dated, we were pretty much a couple for a long time, and back then, i thought i was in love with him, and that i would do anything for him, and blah blah blah. he treated me like a piece of shit, but i just wanted to be with him, because i got attention. people felt sorry for me because i was with him, and i enjoyed that. and it seemed like i could never let him go, and i was so "in love" and it was just rediculous. i almost committed suicide because of him, and it was all just so stupid i almost laugh, thinking about it now. ( i know no one wants to hear my baw story but im trying to proove a point lol) i mean i guess that could happen with anyone at any age, but i mean.. idk what im trying to say is nomatter how mature you THINK you are, you probably still have some growing to do. I think if youre 14 and youre gonna date like a 15 or 16 year old guy then.. i guess its not as bad, but come on. 18 is considered an adult, isnt it? a child dating an adult is innapropriate in any light, sorry.

tl;dr: a child dating an adult is innapropriate in any light, sorry.
you know what, if you don't like it, get on the internet and complain.

Offline Tillandsia

age differences.
«Reply #24: August 18, 2008, 05:48:36 PM»
Just because you have boobs and a vagina (lol all girls and women have vaginas...) doesn't mean you're past puberty.

It isn't just that though, even if people say that girls mature faster than guys doesn't mean they can mentally handle a relationship with a guy who is considered an adult and has a very different agenda than what a 13-14-15 year old does.

I don't buy the whole "age is just a number" thing...even without numbers, kids are kids, adults are adults (most of the time :wink: Sometimes adults are kids too though.)